Help! It's Christmas ...
As we approach Christmas many of us feel some trepidation about the upcoming requirement to be with our families in a way we’re able to avoid for the other 364 days of the year. The idea of sitting for prolonged hours around a dining table with family makes us feel anxious and reluctant. And so we determine that there’s nothing for it but to grin and bear it: ‘It’s only one day.’ ‘How bad can it be?’
But niggly thoughts arise in the small hours of the morning and we find ourselves approaching the special day with a sense of burden rather than Peace and Goodwill.
Is this something of your experience?
Are there ways we might combat some of this festive fatigue?
How might we break down this experience in a therapeutic sense?
“If Christmas Day makes you feel stressed then we can say that parts of your nervous system have been triggered so that you’re experiencing a desire to fight, flee or freeze.”
Stress occurs when we lose our sense of safety. On some level we sense a threat and we ‘cope’ with it by arguing, running away or collapsing in varied ways. This links to my last blog on safety and threat in relationships, too. The fact is, there are things about Christmas Day that can make us feel threatened, that’s why we feel stressed.
Different people’s comments, actions and inactions can make us feel unseen, unheard, not accepted for who we are, unexpressed or unsupported. And so our nervous system gears up, ready to protect.
Let’s say, for instance that stress has led us to ‘fight’ mode in our central nervous system:
Fight could look like:
You’re already scripting the eloquent argument about the human rights of refugees to corner Uncle Barry with.
You’re stealing yourself for the moment when the kids have eaten 18 chocolate Santas and you have to tell them, ‘No, the Cadbury Favourites are for the adults.’
Flee could look like:
You’re dreaming wistfully of waking up Boxing Day and the realisation that it’s all over. You’re wondering how you can avoid the post-pudding discussion about the stockmarket. You’re considering buying the kids a trampoline so that you can spend the afternoon out in the backyard putting it together, away from everyone else.
Freeze could look like:
You’re hoping you are gifted that new set of headphones you asked for so that you might slump in a beanbag and listen to your favourite podcast.
You plan to start drinking early and be in a mildly comatose state throughout the entire event.
“These 3 states all tell us one thing: We’re stressed. Something has threatened us and we’ve gone into survival mode. Physiologically speaking, the lion is at the door and we’re going ‘offline’, which is to say, our focus is narrowing on that which worries us and we’re ‘not our usual selves’. “
But is there a way we can move back to a more open and generous state, a way our nervous system can come back ‘online’?
A sense of threat can lead us to feel disempowered. And we’re not a pretty picture when we’re disempowered. So how can we make decisions about what we’ll do or how we’ll be on Christmas day from an empowered place?
It’s a simple question and one that doesn’t necessarily address any feelings of hurt or frustration, but how, on Christmas Day, might you cultivate more of what makes you safe, and less of what makes you unsafe? (No, you can’t bury Auntie Mary in the garden.)
Let’s attempt to break it down. Let’s look at what’s really going on.
How might it be to map your experience of safety and threat across Christmas Day?
Grab a piece of paper and pen and jot down your answers to these 8 questions:
Firstly, picture Christmas Day:
- Name the person/people who trigger feelings of unsafety or threat?
No need to second guess you’re answers – just anyone whose presence feels annoying. - What is it particularly about these people that make you feel unsafe or worried?
eg. Grandma’s comments about my clothes. The neighbour’s racism. My sister’s overspending on presents. - What are the elements of the day that make you feel somehow threatened or grumpy
eg. I worry that Christmas is too commercial. I hate how Dad burns the meat. Plastic trees are ugly. - And what are the elements of you that make you feel unsafe or overwhelmed on the day?
eg. The way I take everything personally. I can’t control how many Ferrero Rochers I eat. I expect the kids to have better manners just because it’s Christmas. - Now, name the people who make you feel safe on the day?
- What is it about these people that make you feel safe?
eg. Mum’s smile. Cousin’s playfulness. Brother’s hugs. - What elements of the day make you feel good (good=safe)?
eg. The taste of custard and Christmas pudding. The quiet house before the kids wake up. Dancing, tipsy, to old records. My partner’s gift. - Name the parts or experiences of you that will make you feel safe on the day?
eg. My willingness to help with the dishes. My heart when I cuddle my kids. The sound of my laughter when I read the Christmas cracker jokes.
So now you’ve mapped your threat and safety around Christmas Day – any revelations? Are you more or less anxious now for having done this exercise?
Now we’ve got the raw data let’s use it to shape some strategies for dealing with this ‘day of days’. Considering all you’ve written what are some creative, practical, easy ways that you can:
- Decrease threat:
eg. Wear the dress Grandma gave me. (These are just ideas at this stage, just brainstorming, later you’ll choose the winners.) Ask the kids to take their plates to the kitchen after their meal, and gently remind them when they don’t. Bring a sprig of fresh pine to give the scent of Christmas pre-plastic. - Increase safety:
eg. Organise to sit next to playful cousin at the lunch table. Ask brother for a hug anytime I feel overwhelmed. Start to make a list of the records I’d love to hear.
And I’ve got some added tips below for anyone’s who’s stumped …
These lists can be as long and as silly as you like. When you’re done read them through and choose the strategies that actually sound actionable. You could do this worksheet with a friend or partner. Have a laugh and a moan while you do it. And experience some of the turnaround of the negative feelings as you come to picture a way that you could configure the idea of a Christmas Day that lights you up.
Need some more tips about how to cultivate safety in a space that might feel threatening? As babies (and now too) we came to know we were safe through the way a person was with us, rather than what a person said to us. You can’t tell someone they’re safe if they don’t feel it.
- For most people, eye contact – sustained, warm eye contact relieves us.
- Gentle touch reminds us we are held.
- Soft, calm voices let us drop into a more peaceful experience of ourselves.
- A breath that is lazy and extended on the exhale returns us to that ‘online’ state of feeling safe.
So could you orchestrate these experiences on Christmas Day?
- Could you scoop your nephew up and snuggle him on your lap?
- Could you ask your partner to be available to just hold your gaze anytime you need it?
- Could you ask the family member with the sweetest voice to tell you about their favourite things that happened this year (just to tune into a kind voice)?
- Could you take a moment to breathe deep and let the air flow from you, slow and intentional?
Music and laughter lift and transform our mood. Cultivate these experiences any way you can.
And here’s another turnaround – dismiss it if it’s all getting too soft and mushy for you: How would it be if we saw Christmas as an opportunity?!
An opportunity for our issues to come up?! An opportunity to see that there are still things that get us, that there are still some hurdles for us to jump – places to grow. Maybe we could use the 16 hours of awake time on the 25th of December to face that bit more of ourselves, test out some new ways of taking care of ourselves and others, and simply be in the reality of, this me, with these people and these overcooked prawns.
Best to you this Christmas,
Gisela
giselaboetkercounselling.com