Relationships - safety & threat
In a relationship, when we feel most connected to someone, what we are in fact feeling is safe. We trust our partner. We know we can rely on them. We identify them as a support or a resource in our life. The feeling towards them is love and we feel loved by them.
Safety is our primary need. When it is fulfilled we feel peaceful in our relationships – this may be with our spouse, our parent, a friend, boss or colleague.
But what happens when we lose that connection?
If we examine the change in the good feeling that was once there we will find that at some point an element of threat came into the relationship
“It may sound obvious but it’s important to note that ‘threat erases safety’. And therefore, without safety we lose that sense of connection, the trust can falter, the love gets bruised.”
Now a threat needn’t be big. It needn’t be an affair, or abusive behaviour – things that are obvious and serious threats. It can be a small, everyday happening.
To understand threat, let’s look a little more at safety. What are some of the ways that we come to know that we are safe? It’s different for each of us but generally speaking we come to know we are safe when,
- we feel seen and heard
- we feel accepted for who we are
- we feel free to express ourselves – our joy and our pain
- we feel met, comforted, protected
So this is why ‘threat’ can be a small thing. It can be any moment in which one of these needs is unmet – it can especially feel threatening if these needs go unmet consistently.
What might that look like?
Could it be as simple as someone forgetting to put the bins out three times in a row? As simple as seeing their exasperated eye roll when you make a silly joke? Could it be the angry words you shared when the car wasn’t packed properly or the days your partner was grumpy with no explanation? Could these events actually be sensed as a threat and therefore impact the level of safety you feel, therefore impacting the level of love between the two of you?
Simply, yes. It’s different for each person and each couple or relationship but if there are instances in which we don’t feel seen, heard, accepted, protected etc. as listed above then those instances are going to be experienced as a threat and the sense of safety/love will be, in some way, diminished.
“But how can we be so perfect as to never be a threat to our partner or never feel threatened by them? Are all relationships doomed?”
There are 5 key ways in which this information is not bad news.
#1 Safety and threat operate on a spectrum. The more safe you feel, the less anything will be sensed as a threat.
#2 Understanding relationships as being a ‘dance between safety and threat’ enables us to frame our experience of the good and bad of relationships. So it is not in fact that our partner forgot to put the bins out, again, and that therefore they are an idiot and we made a bad decision in marrying them. It is more that we felt unheard when we asked that they put the bins out, and that touched a tender spot in us.
#3 Safety can be built. Safety breeds safety. The question becomes, ‘what makes you feel safe?’ How could you communicate this to your partner?
#4 Threat can be repaired. But first, there is a cold hard truth to absorb: You will never not threaten your partner and your partner will never not threaten you. To feel threatened in a relationship is a given. You love them, the idea of losing them is scary. Anything that reminds you of that will feel threatening.
‘Name it and tame it,’ as Dan Siegel (2011) says. It might be worth inquiring – ‘what makes you feel threatened?’ How could you communicate this to your partner?
#5 I mentioned before that ‘safety breeds safety’. Let me explain a little more. What do you imagine might happen if you started showing up as more and more safe and less and less threatening to your partner? How do you imagine they might react? Let’s say your partner finds loud voices, sarcasm and no evening kiss upon homecoming a threat. How might it be if you worked to curtail these things and kiss them heartily upon arrival? What might the payoff be for you? The point is that the more you create safety (in the style that suits your partner), the more they are likely to respond (quite automatically) with actions that, in turn, make you feel safe.
So, what does safe communication look like for the two of you, what does safe love making look like, safe arrivals and departures, a safe home life? You will each have your own version. This is how you can get to know ‘the manual’ on each other and inform the way you dance the dance of safety and threat in your relationship (see Tatkin).
For more information on this topic you may love Stan Tatkin’s book, Wired For Love, 2011.
Warm Regards,
Gisela
This article simplifies the notion of threat and safety in relationships. I am mindful that the enactment of safety and threat can be complicated in some relationships. If you notice this sense of complication in your own relationship/s it may be worth talking to someone about it. If any immediate sense of overwhelm has been triggered by this article then please call Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline on 13 11 14 for support.